a grey day..

Woke op this morning to a grey boring day, what was there to do, pull the blanket up over my head and stay in bed, good idea or what, how will I feel, will that make the day brighter and if and when I pull the blanket away, will I so be refreshed and happy, it was a tempting 💤💤
but no matter how tempting it is,  then I know that I will not feel good, on the contrary so up with me and try to do the best out of this grey Tuesday.
Breakfast with all the good nutrition it will give me, and of course this wonderfule morning coffee cup which I enjoy every morning, now I had started this grey day, but I didn't feel like I wanted to do anything my head was totaly empty, except I wanted to cry, feel sorry for myself, why me, and all this destructive thoughts which are not helping anyone, with a hard inner voice I started sortering in old things which I had been thinking about doing for a long time, and know what I made myself a dress from dress material that I've had for some time.
And what happened, I had a wonderful day, it became brighter and I'm very proud of my new dress, and I also took for a long walk with my dog.
I took another step in my healing process, never underestimate your inner strength, you can achieve everything if you but all your energy into it.


How hard can that be, take a wise decision, we know what is best for our selfs, indeed
we do, but sometimes its difficult to distinguish between one's own desire and common sense,  yesterday I had to take a very important decision, I knew would have a great impact to my finances along with creating many other problems, if I said yeas to it, this was something I had been looking forward to do, it was about traveling just me and my husband, it had been on the table for a long time so it was no quick decision, but yesterday we took this responsible conversation, what will we get out of this that will be good for os, and what will not be so good, 
That helps very much when taking a decision, in the end we found out that we should not go on this journey even though we wanted very much to go, and I'm telling you, I woke up this morning and was relived because I know we took the right decision and we will be glad in the long run. 
I'm writing this to show myself that I'm much better at taking important decisions and I'm better to listen to my inner voice, for me it's a sign that I have achieved greater inner calm and have more overview for actions and consequences, I'm not the victim that deserve to go on a journey because I'v been through so much, I can see what the consequences of a poor decision will be, it will perhaps give me joy for a short time, (as a victim I would first think about that).
The victim did not get to be in this decision and I'm very proud of it.

I'v also been enjoying the wonderful nature this Sunday with family her are some picture from that day.

I was a victim....

Yeas I was a victim for many, many years, everything I did was as a victim, all my thoughts were that I was a victim, the reason, was all the bad things that had happen in my life, as a child, and as a grown op, and as a victim, it was always others fault if things did't work out. my husband, my work, my bank just everything else then me,
When I realised this fact and I saw that I always pointed at someone else, saying it was their fault, that things did work out, it never occurrd to me that it was myself that was responsible for the things as they were and believe me it was not because I didn't want things to work out, not, but when things were getting absolutely fantastic, I lost the fait in my self and to believe that I deserved all this great things, and I started to take wrong decisions listening to people but not myself,  it was not until to years ago I realise what was going on in my life, it was not others fault, that things did not work out, it was my lack of believeing in my abilities, I didn't believe that I deserved all this good things, I didn't believe that I was worth of all this wonderful things in life which I had achieved, and that's why things didn't go as planned.
If you don't believe you are worth all the good things which are coming in our life you will loose them again, so stop being a victim and start to think about our self in the circumstances you would love to be in and vissulise how wonderful it will be you deserve all the best the world can give you so dream big and believe they will com true, 
My life turned 100% and I'm blessed with wonderful things,  I'v gained trust and confidence in myself I'm always doing something creative and most of all I know that I'm blessed and deserve all this good things that are in my life now, I don't have to worry about tomorrow or the next day, because I'm living to day and thats all I have,  in my spirit I'm relax and enjoying every day to it's fullest.

First was the word....

Words are always first- and as we all know they can have consequences just like actions, sometimes good but other times bad, the bad ones can have big consequences that can last for a long time, our words can not be taken back, they are hanging in the air with all the consequences they have.
Don't worry I'm not going inside myself again this time, I just got so inspiret by listening to Oprah Winfrey Master Class the other day walking with my dogs - Words came first that's so true...
When listen to her I remembered how hurt I'v been by words from people, people that were not related to me and people that are close to me, I discovered that these words are still in me, I believed this words and my life have been surrounded by these words, how sad is that,  these people did not have any right to say these ugly, judgmental words to me as a little girl, if I've had anyone to talk to about this I probably would not have carried this ugly words all my life.
I'm writing this because it's so important that we think twice before the words come out of our mouths, they have consequences, and can hurt so much, so be careful with what you say, expecialy when you are talking to young children, they have all their lives ahead and do not deserve to carry ugly, judgemental words into there life.


Looking at the outside.....

This past weeks I have been trying to focus on the outside and not always thinking about how I feel but try
to see all the positive, beautiful people and things around me, I'm working myself out into the world again, it's about time for me to get started and do the things I love to do and have given me so many fantastic memories and successful moments, on of these things is taking pictures, I love being behind the camera see the world through the cameras eye, somehow I feel like I capture the nature or my surroundings in a whole different way, and when I come home there is one or two of all the pictures  I like, and sometimes not the ones I thought would be the best, it's always a little
exiting to go through the pictures, that's
is one of the thing I have been looking forward to start doing,
I'm also looking forward to start my training, I'm not talking about going into a training center no..no..no..thats absolutely not me, I train be walking in the nature and then I mean walking to get the pulse up, that's looking out in the world, isn't it?
I am also so excited to start my winter gardening got the package today with the start kit, I believe that's going to take my mind of all the the bad time I have gone through the last months.
There are lots of other things that I love to do but let's start with this and see where it will lead me to, I do believe that it's going to be a successful time that will give me many good experiences.
Here are some pictures I have taken.

sommer project

Her is the what we have been working on, we started last summer, 
then it was just supposed to be a orangeri
But as you see then there is a little more than that now I have a greenhouse, and a vegetable garden
I am loving it and really looking forward to be able to grow my own vegetables, we have built bought houses from old windows, that's like most of the things we do that is 
try to use secondhand things.
And just imagine how nice it will be to sit in my orangeri whit friends and family on beautiful 
sommerday, I'm so happy about all this hard work that is done by my clever wonderful loving 
husband just for me. 
I  know that it will take me time and definitely
a lot of mistakes when I start the project growing my own vegetables I have never had on like that so it will be interesting to see how it works but I m looking forward to it and I have already bought some winter seed to start in greenhouse 👏👏👏
The best about all this is that it is so relaxing working in the garden almost like meditation.

I'v not had it so good the last days, nothing serious, but it has made me think about how lucky  I'm that my health is as good as it is, that's not something that I can take for granted, it's so important to take good care for our health, in all areas, what I but in my mouth is my responsibility, I have found myself in situation were I either eat what is on the table which I know isn't good for me or take responsibility over my health and politely say thanks, but no thanks. 
I know that some people will be offended, and I do understand that but on the other hand they should not, because I'm just honest thinking about my health they should do the same it will benefit us all, because when I started to think more about my diet, it affected so much else in my life, like food waste, thats a big problem, just imagine how many people it could feed, also when I'm in the supermarket buying food I try to do it with deliberation, avoid fruit and vegetable in plastic bags, I bring my own multifunctional bags for that, try to by as much organic food as I can, and just so that you know I do not by product form companies that I know are not nature friendly. I know that these little steps I'm taking are not much, but all steps to do the world to a better place are important. 
I also know that this is nothing new and fortunately there are many people that do everything they can to life a better life and protect nature, but it's very important for me and it gives my live a big meening and thats enough for me, and it should be enough for you, everything counts.
I realy would like to think that my grandchildren will be able to life a wonderful life and enjoy all the things that I have had the privilege to enjoy.
I have been whacing young people that are fighting for awareness for protecting our nature and trying to make them that rule the world understand that it's  not just about money, I do admire them and hope they do not give up or that they will be muted.  

  Fantastic day with a lot of love to myself and all you out there, 
Took a little step to my new future, vent to the place were I really would like to work, met the leader could tell her little about myself, she was very nice and told me to come for a visit when I did not have my dogs with me, dogs are not allowed.
You might be thinking what is so remarkable about this, I fully understand that, it's for me, when you have been fighting for your existence for many months, then this is a success, I was mentally broken, didn't believe in myself and my talent, so this is a step to rebuilding myself, I'm so proud of myself and I know that this will lead to something good I'm sending positive message into the universe.
When I woke up this morning I new that something good was going to happen I felt a big relief like a heavy burden has been taken from my shoulders, I think is because every night I listen to 
Louise Hays 40 minutes every day to chance your life forever
its about loving yourself, that you deserve all the best, that you'r unique there is no none in the whole world like you, it's about forgiveness and let go of the past and welcome the future with all that it has to offer me, it's begining to sink in so I will definitely keep on he good work. I'm worth it.

We should close the ring.....

I have thought very much about the consequences of all the trauma, and terrible things I had to go through as a child, how I brought this feelings with me into my family, I know now that it had a big impact on everything, but at that time I didn't know, for me these feelings were normal, how I thought about myself and how I saw the world,  imagine how sick and destructive it was, first when I broke down and all my being collapsed, I learned about all this, I was very lucky to have people around me that helped me to come in contact with someone that are used to work with people coming from very sick circumstances, they helped me to learn about all the damages it had done to me.
After this I've done all I can to work myself through the jungle of all this terrible experiences, I had to dig deep for some, and believe me it was painful and I had to stop many times, it's not done in one day, it has taken me many years and I'm still working, and that's the reason for this blog, I really hope it can help you, it's so important that we who have all this bad experience in our baggage do not carry it on into our children's life, that we can separate our childhoods experience from theirs so that our broken self image, guilt and fear does not effect theirs, they do not deserve that.
I'v  had to stop myself many times when I found myself acting in fear or guilt over for my children, and I know now after they are grown and we have had the opportune to talk about their childhood, that I always have been overprotective, I had to let go and give them permission to live their life without me whacking over them, it was hard but, but they made it💓
It's so important that we are aware of our feelings and don't bring damaged feelings over to our children, that we give them space to learn their own feelings, we can be there if they fall, and perhaps we can use something from our experiences to help them or we can just listen so that they can put words on their feelings and experiences, for me that's healthy relationship between parents and children, we should close the ring.

Love conquers all....

Like I said last time and that is what I’ve believed  all me live and maybe this thought has helped me through many of the worst times in my live. 
My thoughts are the only things that I have full control over and its op to me to use them in a positive way to help me overcome my worst fear, to be able  to forgive, to go on with my healing process. My thoughts are mine and only mine, and from now on I’m only allowing positive, constructive, loving thoughts go through my mind.
It’s going to be a challenge and I know that I will do some mistakes, be annoyed, answering back and all that, but I will always try to remember to love myself and gently push myself up on the track again.
I know that whatever I’ve done good or bad I have done of my best knowledge, and that knowledge I took from the baggage I came with from my upbringing, that’s something I cannot chance but I can chance my thoughts and make them more healthy, I can start by working on my forgiveness, it’s hard and takes time but I know I will be there one day and then I will feel a big relive and a heavy burden taken of me, I look forward to that day.
The hardest think about forgiving is trying to imagine some of these people as a little child and try to set myself into their lives at that time, it brings tears to my eyes how little I know some of them and how little I know about how their childhood was, I just know that it was hard and there was not a lot of love and caring for them, so no wonder that they did not know how to love me, care for me or guide me through hard times, they just looked the other way, that was  the only think they knew and that is what they came with in their baggage.
I sincerely will do all my best to work on this forgiveness so that I can let these people free and myself at the same time.
I want to say, forgive me to my lovely wonderful children for all my mistakes they were not made to hurt you,  they were done with all the love I had, I didn’t know better at that time and I want also to thank you all for loving me so much and supporting me when I’m going through hard times, that is priceless for me and makes me believe that I did something right, I do LOVE you from the bottom of my heart and always will.
My healing process goes on and it will only get better.

a grey day..

Woke op this morning to a grey boring day, what was there to do, pull the blanket up over my head and stay in bed, good idea or what, h...